


now theres fuckin rice all over the counter

by TreasonousToaster



Series: Jane Crocker's Online Kitchen [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dialoglogs (Homestuck), Dialogue-Only, Earth C (Homestuck), Established Relationship, M/M, Not Epilogue Compliant, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Post-Sburb/Sgrub, strilondes cant cook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:54:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29782638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TreasonousToaster/pseuds/TreasonousToaster
Summary: Jane teaches Dave to make risotto. Karkat is also there.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Series: Jane Crocker's Online Kitchen [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2121582
Kudos: 23





	now theres fuckin rice all over the counter

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for the support in this series <3  
> these are all stand-alone fics so you dont need to have read all of them but i reference them a lot so it probably helps if you have
> 
> enjoy!

gutsyGumshoe [GG] joined the call.  


JANE: Hello, hello!  
JANE: Are you ready to cook?  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE *SOMEONE* FUCKING FORGOT TO BUY THE CHICKEN.  
JANE: Oh.  
DAVE: hey youre the one that buys the food  
KARKAT: I ASKED YOU TO GET IT!  
DAVE: i dunno what to tell you man i dont have it  
KARKAT: WE CAN'T FUCKING COOK THIS WITHOUT IT!  
DAVE: man relax well just put bugs in it or something  
DAVE: that would work right jane  
JANE: Um…  
JANE: Sure.  
JANE: We can just improvise.  
JANE: Do you have everything else?  
KARKAT: YEAH, EXCEPT LIKE, THE MAIN FUCKING INGREDIENT.  
JANE: It's fine, we'll make it work.  
JANE: Alright heat your butter and oil in a large pan.  
DAVE: ok why  
JANE: ...What?  
DAVE: why  
JANE: Um, so the butter melts and you can start cooking?  
DAVE: swag  
KARKAT: JUST PUT IT IN THE FUCKING PAN, DAVE.  
DAVE: i am  
DAVE: see look  
DAVE: boom  
DAVE: in the pan  
KARKAT: GOOD JOB.  
JANE: Right, okay finely slice the shallots.  
DAVE: can do  
KARKAT: FUCKING CHRIST, BE CAREFUL WITH THAT KNIFE.  
DAVE: man i am being careful  
DAVE: look see  
DAVE: careful  
KARKAT: STOP FUCKING SWINGING IT AROUND WHEN YOU TALK!  
JANE: You’re swinging a knife around?!  
DAVE: im not swinging it im just moving it  
KARKAT: YOU’RE GONNA FUCKING STAB YOURSELF!  
KARKAT: OR ME.  
DAVE: im not gonna stab you  
DAVE: look im holding it normally  
DAVE: im slicing the shallots  
DAVE: see nothing to worry about  
DAVE: boom shallots are sliced  
KARKAT: GIVE ME THAT FUCKING KNIFE, I DON’T TRUST YOU WITH IT.  
DAVE: ok jesus here  
DAVE: whats next jane  
JANE: Alright, add the shallots and garlic.  
JANE: Sauté for five minutes.  
DAVE: okay  
DAVE: what does sauté mean  
KARKAT: CHRIST.  
JANE: It's frying quickly.  
DAVE: ok why didnt you just say fry  
JANE: Because it's called sauté.  
DAVE: is that french  
DAVE: cause it has the little e thing  
DAVE: where its like ay  
JANE: Dave, I don’t know.  
JANE: Please just sauté the shallots and garlic.  
DAVE: ok i still dont know how to do that  
KARKAT: DAVE, PLEASE JUST PUT IT IN THE FUCKING PAN AND STIR IT.  
KARKAT: IT'S NOT THAT HARD.  
DAVE: ok look i did it  
JANE: Alright, keep doing that for five minutes.  
DAVE: damn ok whys it take so long  
JANE: Dave…  
JANE: If you think that takes long, you are not going to enjoy cooking very much.  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: has it been five minutes yet  
KARKAT: NO.  
JANE: I will tell you when it's been five minutes.  
JANE: Alright, are you using uhh… Bugs? In place of chicken.  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
KARKAT: I GUESS.  
JANE: Alright well, get them now then because you have to add them in next.  
DAVE: im gonna add them now  
JANE: No.  
KARKAT: AFTER.  
DAVE: fuck it im adding them  
KARKAT: DAVE NO- DAVE!  
DAVE: oops too late shits in there now  
DAVE: nothing i can do about it  
JANE: Sigh.  
JANE: Okay, sure.  
JANE: Stir in the bugs… Let it cook for two minutes.  
DAVE: damn whats with all the waiting  
JANE: Dave, have you never cooked before?  
DAVE: i have  
DAVE: just not things that take ages to cook  
JANE: Well.  
DAVE: jane youve had my cooking before  
KARKAT: MINES BETTER.  
DAVE: man shut up  
DAVE: i mean it is better  
DAVE: but shut up  
JANE: Alright, add the rice next and let it cook for another minute.  
DAVE: why cant i just add everything and let it cook  
JANE: Because that's not how it works.  
DAVE: but why  
KARKAT: FUCKING HELL, I'LL DO IT.  
KARKAT: …  
DAVE: man you fuckin spilled it  
JANE: Oh dear.  
JANE: Did most of it go in?  
DAVE: well yeah  
DAVE: but now theres fuckin rice all over the counter  
DAVE: and the floor aw man  
DAVE: dude  
KARKAT: SHUT UP.  
DAVE: i thought you were supposed to be good at cooking  
KARKAT: SPILLING THINGS IS DIFFERENT TO COOKING!  
DAVE: you spill things you cook  
DAVE: you suck  
KARKAT: *YOU* SUCK!  
JANE: Okay boys, can we get back to the recipe?  
JANE: I'm still here. You can argue later.  
DAVE: were not arguing  
DAVE: im just stating a fact  
KARKAT: AND I'M DISAGREEING.  
DAVE: civil discussion  
JANE: Just add the wine.  
DAVE: okay youre the boss  
JANE: Now stir until all the wine is absorbed.  
DAVE: its absorbing  
DAVE: goodbye wine  
JANE: Okay, then chop up the mushrooms-  
KARKAT: OH NO YOU FUCKING DONT.  
KARKAT: I WILL CHOP THEM.  
DAVE: man what the fuck  
DAVE: i was fine look i didnt accidentally stab anyone  
DAVE: and in my opinion those shallots were sliced fine as hell  
KARKAT: YOU WERE SWINGING IT AROUND!  
DAVE: dude come on  
DAVE: i wasnt  
DAVE: dont you trust me  
KARKAT: THATS NOT THE POINT!  
KARKAT: I DONT WANT YOU TO HURT YOURSELF!  
DAVE: kat im not five  
DAVE: i can handle a knife  
DAVE: seriously come on let me do it  
DAVE: you already know how to cook  
DAVE: janes meant to be teaching me  
KARKAT: …  
DAVE: please  
DAVE: <3  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
KARKAT: FINE.  
KARKAT: BUT IF YOU DO ANYTHING STUPID I'M TAKING IT BACK.  
DAVE: ok deal  
JANE: (Christ.)  
DAVE: how do i chop them  
JANE: Just into chucks is fine.  
JANE: Not too big but it doesn’t have to be tiny.  
DAVE: aight  
DAVE: boom  
DAVE: chopped mushrooms  
DAVE: do i add them  
JANE: Yes, add them along with the thyme and about three quarters of the stock.  
DAVE: ok cool whats next  
JANE: That's it.  
DAVE: what  
JANE: Well, more or less.  
JANE: You have to cook it for forty minutes on a low simmer until the rice is nice and tender. The remaining stock is to top it up if it begins to look dry.  
JANE: After forty minutes you can stir in the parmesan and it should be ready.  
DAVE: ok cool so what the fuck do we do till its cooked  
JANE: Well, you could stay and talk to me or-  
KARKAT: I THINK THE BACHELOR JUST STARTED.  
KARKAT: WE COULD WATCH THE START OF IT AND THEN THE REST WHEN THIS IS DONE?  
DAVE: oh shit ok  
DAVE: bachelor night lets go  
JANE: Guys?  
JANE: Maybe don't leave food you are still cooking unattended.  
JANE: Dave I'm still here!  
JANE: Dave!  
JANE: Sigh.  
JANE: I suppose they will call if they need me.  


gutsyGumshoe [GG] left the call.  


turntechGodhead [TG] started a call with gutsyGumshoe [GG].  
DAVE: yo jane  
DAVE: look  
JANE: Oh looks like it came out well!  
DAVE: yeah  
JANE: Does it taste okay?  
DAVE: i think so  
DAVE: the rice n shit tastes fine  
DAVE: like its good  
DAVE: but the beatles are still kinda crunchy so like  
JANE: Okay! I don't want to know!  
JANE: (Ew.)  
DAVE: hey its not bad  
DAVE: its just not great  
DAVE: yknow could be worse  
DAVE: i think its ok for a first attempt  
JANE: Well, at least you didn't burn it.  
DAVE: damn crocker  
DAVE: that was just cold  
DAVE: what if i had burned my house down with that mac n cheese huh  
JANE: You didn't.  
DAVE: i could have  
JANE: You would’ve been fine, Dave.  
DAVE: what if i was in the house when it burned  
JANE: You were in the house. And if your house had caught fire, you'd still be fine.  
JANE: You're immortal, Dave.  
DAVE: oh yeah  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: so i guess its ok if i burn my house down while cooking  
DAVE: as long as karkats not there  
DAVE: dont wanna accidentally kill him  
DAVE: haha lets not think about that  
DAVE: ok crocker subject change  
JANE: Um- Uh.  
JANE: How was The Bachelor?  
DAVE: oh fuck im missing it  
DAVE: gotta go bye  
DAVE: thanks for the lesson  
JANE: You’re welcome.  
JANE: Goodb-  


turntechGodhead [TG] has left the call.  


JANE: ye, Dave.  
JANE: Wow.  


**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr: [treasonousToaster](https://treasonoustoaster.tumblr.com/)


End file.
